Just warning those that read this entry - be prepared - I'm afraid it's gonna be a long one. I'm struggling with a few things and I feel if I post it here, it might help me therapeutically. I'm hoping anyway. Here's where the troubles begin.
32!!
Yes. I'm turning 32 and I'm having a problem with it. 30? Didn't bother me. 32 - issues. It has become what we call, "a wake-up call." I feel like I should be an adult now. That it's time to grow up. Not that I act immature but...I've been reflecting back on my life. Choices and decisions I've made. The consequences of those choices, good and bad. Regrets I've had and still have. As I've gone through my life, I've also thought about the different roles I have and how I am fulfilling with those roles.
First, that of a leader.
I've served as the young women's president in our ward for the past 3 years and 9 months. Before that, I was 2nd counselor for a year and half. I feel my time is coming to an end, don't you think? With that in mind, reflections always come. Just like when they come when your baby goes off to kindergarten. Did I teach her enough so she is strong when Satan tempts her or brave enough to stand up for what's right? Serving in the young women's organization has opened my eyes to the future. It has me excited yet horrified to raise a teenage daughter. I know I still have 6 years to go before that happens but let me tell you - the past 6 years has flown by. I need to prepare now for the kind of relationship I hope to have with my daughter. I need to nourish that relationship now so that when she becomes a teenager, it's solid. I want her to be open with me. I want her to be honest with me. I don't want her to feel like she needs to hide anything from me or even lie to me. Even when she's having a hard time with one of the gospel principles, I hope that she feels safe enough to come to me and tell me. And I PRAY to God, that I will always have the spirit with me to direct me in those situations. As I have thought about my time as leader, I feel for the most part that I did what Heavenly Father has asked me to do, but in some instances, I feel I could have done better. I could have made sure I was closer to the spirit so that when they approach me with concern, I could answer them without a doubt. In some instances I could have guided the youth better. In some instances, I could have made a stronger stand. I feel at times, I let a few things slide and I know better now. That was not okay. One of the hardest things I struggled with as a youth leader is finding that line between friend and leader. It is a very very fine line I've found. With some of the girls, I fear, I have become more of a friend than a leader. Now - I'm not saying that a friend is a bad thing, because it's not. It's good, as long as you are leader first, then friend. Otherwise, respect will be lost. It would have been one thing to be a friend that steps in to help them make good choices but another thing to be a friend that just stands on the sidelines and gives recommendations. (If that makes sense.) There probably were a couple times where I should have called in the parents but didn't. Those times were hard because the "friend" aspect got in the way. Lessons learned. Ya know, when you are young, you want to be older. Once you get older, you want to be younger. I almost feel like I was trying to be young with the girls. I know I can do better. Maybe that's why, the fact that I'm turning 32 is hitting me so hard. I need to grow up.
Second, that of a mother.
Where do I start with this? As I look back on the past 6 years, I start to think of KennaDee. I was so great with her when it was just her. Jackson came along and I feel like I still fulfilled my calling as mother. Then Nicholas came along, and I just feel like my patience level has been cut in half. My creative activities for them have been shot. Over the past 3 years, I feel like I have started to put "me" first instead of them. They ask me to play, I say let me finish the dishes. They ask, will you read me a story, I say I just have to send this email. They say, can we go to the park, I say give me just a minute, I gotta finish the clothes. At times, I'm on the computer or on my phone and all of a sudden my house is in disarray and the children are yelling and fighting. I KNOW had I spent less time on the computer or on my phone and more time with them - in those instances, the chaos could have been prevented. I've noticed lately that I've been so wrapped up in things that my children call my name several times until they finally result in raising their voice in order to be heard. Then I get upset because they are yelling at me. Anyhow - just little simple things that have been on my mind lately. One big one is -- I don't want my kids growing up and remembering their mother as someone who always had something else to do. I want them to remember their mother as someone who always listened, who played with them, who interacted with them, who always showed her love to them, and who always put them first. I just feel that I could be a better mom. When I was a teenager, I was wrapped up in me, me, me. I feel at times, I've been like that as a mother. I want dance classes, I want girls nights, I want shopping, I want out of the house.
Maybe that's why, the fact that I'm turning 32 is hitting me so hard. I need to grow up.
Third, that of a friend.
I don't really know how to judge whether I've been a good friend or not without knowing the thoughts of my friends. But the questions that roll through my head are: am I trustworthy enough to hold a secret? Have I opened my mouth when I shouldn't have? And on the other end, have there been times when I should've opened my mouth but didn't? I know we all make mistakes and slip ups happen and that's okay but still....the questions still remain. Do I influence others to do good? Do I stand for what's right? If temptations rise, would I be a leader or would I be a follower? Am I someone that people like to be around because they feel good about themselves or am I someone that unintentionally makes those around me feel bad? And lastly, am I surrounding myself with friends that help me become better? I like to think so, but maybe that's why, the fact that I'm turning 32 is hitting me so hard. I need to grow up.
Fourth, that of a wife.
Come the end of the day, I'm tired. I don't want to answer any more questions. I don't want to talk about my day because...well..one, sometimes I can't even remember the ups and downs of the day, but two..I just want to go to bed. However, my hubby needs it. Because I'm home with the kids all day, I find every opportunity to go out at nights but then that leaves hubs here by himself with the kids. He's probably just as tired from working as I am, just in a different sense. (not sure how to explain the difference but I know there's a difference between working in a office and working with kids.) However the need to wind down and relax is much needed on both parties and I have denied that opportunity for Brian on MORE than one occasion. That adds to the mother part too. Dad leaves for work in the morning, leaving kids with Mom. Dad comes home, Mom leaves. The kids are rarely with us at the same time except on weekends. Not good. Brian's first love language is words of appreciation. Second is physical touch. Both of those are super low on my ratings. :) Anyhow - by the time he comes home, I'm tired and rarely recognize the things he does or has done. I just want some 'me' time so I can recuperate then the hugging and talking can commence. But again - there's the "I" and the "me." What about everyone else? What about Brian? What does he need? What makes him happy? There's been times at night when there are 4 loads of laundry to be done, I'm laying in bed with my eyes half closed and he's sitting up, sulkily folding the laundry. We've been married for almost 8 years now. He does so much for me. He always serves me. He always is willing to sacrifice his desires for mine. What a great husband I have. He deserves more. Maybe that's why the fact that I'm turning 32 is hitting me so hard. I need to grow up.
As I've reflected, I've asked myself several questions.
One, who am I? What kind of person have I become and why have I become who I am? But before I can answer the latter two. I have to know the answer to the first one. I don't feel like I have a specific personality. I notice that depending on who I am with, I tend to act like that person. I will respond to certain things they way they would respond. Not so much in words but in actions and the tone of my voice changes to how they would respond. Why do I do that? What's Shara's way of responding?
Two, who do I want to become? What kind of person do I want to be? What values do I want to posses?
Three, what kind of family do I want to have and as I see my ideal family in the future, how do I make sure that happens? What kind of goals do I have for my family? I don't know. I really feel like we are just living life.
I just feel like somewhere along the way I've lost who I am. Or maybe I never knew.
Maybe that's why the fact that I'm turning 32 is hitting me so hard. I need to grow up.
Wow - now THAT felt good. My mind is much more at ease.
